


there's a plague inside of me (eating at my disposition)

by evepolastri



Series: sad rosa all the way [1]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Ginas perspective, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Rosa is dealing with PTSD, a touch of angst, changing between past and present, they’re girlfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-23 23:55:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18559708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evepolastri/pseuds/evepolastri
Summary: the first time Gina witnessed the effects the prison had on Rosa was just mere hours after picking her up from prisonorGina finds out that Rosa has PTSD and learns how to deal with it





	there's a plague inside of me (eating at my disposition)

**Author's Note:**

> title: Panic Song by Green Day  
> I read this work (Arlo) by @b99fangirlnextdoor and it motivated me to write something for this collection

_The very first time Gina witnessed the effects the prison had on Rosa was just mere hours after Rosa got released. Gina went to pick her up, knowing that Amy went to get Jake and everybody else had work to do._ __

_And Rosa didn’t inform her parents, as far as Gina knew, so logically it was on her to bring the detective home._ __

_The first thing she noticed upon seeing Rosa were the dark circles under her eyes, making it seem like she hadn’t slept in days. Plus, she appeared to be thinner and overall just... exhausted maybe or drained._ __

_Like the shell of a body._ __

_When the civilian administrator moved to hug one of her closest friends (and yes, maybe she wanted more already back then - more than hugs and after-work-drinks in silence) Rosa flinched and moved her body out of reach._ __

_(She hates this comparison but the first thing popping into her mind was a mistreated dog that had to learn to trust humans again.)_ __

_“Let’s go home, Rosie”, she told her friend and Rosa just nodded without looking her into the eyes. She took the detective’s bag and led her to her car, opening the passenger door for her and then moving to put her things away into the trunk._ __

_She shut the trunk close and could make out Rosa flinching in the passenger seat. Gina shrugged it off though and went to the driver's side, got in and started the car._ __

_Gina remembers that they were on the highway in no time, neither of them talking though she desperately wanted to ask Rosa about everything and fill her in on all the precinct-gossip._ __

_She remembers a rigid body beside her and the anxiety filling the small space of her car._ __

_“You can”, she recalls how she had to take a deep breath, trying to restrain herself from touching Rosa’s arm to get her attention. “You can sleep, you know?” She felt Rosa’s eyes on her but she couldn’t bring herself to look, transfixed on the street._ __

_“Look, I don’t know what happened in these past eight weeks, Rosie. Just know that you’re safe here and you’re allowed to let your guard down and rest. You obviously didn’t for some time now”, after a beat she adds, “nothing can happen in here as long as we’re driving.” (As long as you’re with me, she adds in her mind.)_ __

_Her sort-of speech didn’t get a verbal response but it was followed by the sound of shuffling, Rosa’s body turning away from her, the burning feeling of eyes vanishing instantly._ __

_About 40 minutes later Gina pulled into a parking lot. She killed the engine and exhaled loudly while falling back into her seat. She turned her head to get a look at Rosa and discovered that she pulled her legs on to the seat and made herself as small as possible. And she appeared to be asleep._ __

_At least she was sleeping. And while doing so she looked so peaceful that Gina had to smile._ __

_Her head leaned on the window and it looked like she had been crying silently. Gina rolled her eyes because_ _of course_ _, she didn’t want Gina to know. And Gina also knew that Rosa tended to process her feelings by herself._

She still does. 

Gina turns in her bed to face Rosa. Her girlfriend is sleeping soundly beside her, her black locks spilled around her and her blanket tugged up, covering half her face. 

The admin slowly reaches out her right hand and swipes some stray curls out of Rosa’s face. She moves the covers down and softly traces her girlfriend’s cheekbones and the scar in her eyebrow and then her lips with their index finger.

Even while sleeping, Rosa manages to smile. 

_After taking a break Gina decided to drive the remaining three hours without stopping and Rosa didn’t move a bit._ __

_That was until they just made it into Brooklyn. That’s when Rosa suddenly started tossing and turning and started to get fidgety and tearing on her seatbelt._ __

_It took Gina off guard and she sped up to get to her home faster, not really knowing what else to do._

_Fuck! Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!_ __

_As soon as she pulled up on her doorstep she undid their seatbelts and went to wake Rosa up._ __

_“Rosie, hey. Wake up. It’s all just a dream. Ro-“, she touched Rosa’s arm and in that second the detective opened her eyes and pressed her whole body into the corner of the seat and door._ __

_Her eyes were wide and the only thing Gina was able to see was fear. Pure, unadulterated fear._

Gina shivers. 

_She tried reaching her hand out again but it made Rosa just try to get away further._ __

_“No, por favor! No! I didn’t do anything!”_ __

_It made the admin withdraw her hand. “Rosie! Rosa!”, but she didn’t react, too far into her head already._ __

_She can’t recall how or why but the next thing she knew was that she pulled up an online article about PTSD. And then everything fell into place._ __

_PTSD._ __

_“Rosa, love. It’s me, Gina. We’re in my car. You’re safe. Whatever you think is happening isn’t. You’re safe. It’s over. Nobody can hurt you.” Gina felt like she could talk and talk but wasn’t able to pull Rosa out of her head._ __

_“Rosa. We have to get out of the car. I’ll help you out and into my apartment. You’re safe. Okay?”_ __

_No response._ __

_Gina sighed and got out of the car, closing the door softly before going to Rosa’s side and carefully opening that door. She only managed to open it up a tiny gap without having Rosa fall out._ __

_“I will touch you on your back now, okay?”_ __

_No response._ __

_She moved her hand to Rosa’s back and repeated over and over that “it’s me, Gina, you’re safe” while hooking her other arm under Rosa’s legs._ __

_How she made it up the two stories into her apartment without collapsing, she doesn’t know. But she made it._ __

_Gina made a beeline into her bedroom and put the anxious woman down. When she was about to leave to get water for them both, she felt a hand around her wrist._ __

_The panic was still prominent in Rosa’s eyes._ __

_So Gina sat back on the bed. “I will hug you now”, she declared while pulling the scared woman into her arms. “You’re safe. Nobody can hurt you. Do you feel my heartbeat?”_ __

_She felt Rosa pressing herself further into her body and was holding the woman tighter in response._ __

_“Open your eyes. You’re safe. You’re allowed to open your eyes”, she told Rosa and waited until she did so._ __

_“What do you see? Tell me three things.”_ __

_Rosa inhales shakily. “The covers, your hair, your arm.”_ __

_“Good girl. Two things you hear.”_ __

_“Your voice, your breathing.”_ __

_“One thing you feel.”_ __

_“Your heartbeat.”_ __

_“Do you want some water? Or just stay here?”_ __

_“Here”, was the simple response._ __

_Gina nodded._

She remembers how Rosa stayed in her arms all night, how she wanted to trace her facial features as she did just now and how she wanted to spend every night beside this woman. 

(They never talked about this night again. Not when they had their encounter in the bathroom, not when she got the late-night call, not even now. 

Rosa is healing though and the nights she wakes up from her nightmares are far and in between. And every time Gina is right beside her. 

It’s all she can do for now.)


End file.
